For about 6 months now, I've been "seeing" someone. I say that in quotes because, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, yet, we communicate daily via text, facebook, or in person... OK, the in person isn't daily, that would be too much!
I continue to date other people, and keep him in the loop about it, as to be honest with him so that he knows that I'm not waiting for him to make up his mind. Nothing to be made up anyway as he has always told me that he wants to be single.
Our last encounter has left me feeling differently, and I'm not sure exactly why.
We worked out together, as we have done before, but this time, as we got into the elevator, he looked at me, and unexpectedly kissed me.
It was unexpected because I had thought that I had put him safely in the "friend zone", and I was comfortable with that.
Earlier in the day, the newest boy that I had just barely started dating had given me the "let's be friends" email... I figured as much, but I was more disappointed in the delivery, and the fact that I wasn't looking for someone, he just showed up...
Either way, I again ran to my safe place, into his comforting arms. We worked out, and then grabbed food. We bickered back and forth like a couple does at times, and the man behind the counter asked if we drove in the same car, to which I replied, This is what love looks like, jokingly of course, and my fake boyfriend answered back with a she can take a punch, so I keep her around, and then pretended to punch me. We often banter about nothing. We sat and waited for our Thai food where he opened up to me more than he usually does, or maybe I was just asking the right questions?
At one point I was pushing my broccoli around my plate and he said, "You know he's out there, somewhere, and you're going to probably be at the grocery store wearing your pink fluffy slippers, not wearing make up and he's not going to care, he's going to want you anyway". I kept staring at my food, not looking at him, my eyes welling up and said, "I don't have pink fluffy slippers". He said, "Look at me", to which I shook my head no, and like in some movie, he reached for my chin to lift it toward his face, and he smiled at me...
We talked for a bit more, and he asked if I was going to finish eating anything, or if we could go. I drove him home, and went inside with him, mostly because I was too tired to continue to drive home, and figured that I would just pass out on his bed.
I grabbed his Teddy bear and hugged it in a fetal position, closing my eyes while he did whatever he was doing. He asked if I was going to take out my contacts, and of course, I followed him into the bathroom where we both took out our contacts gingerly, and went back into his room.
I made myself comfy again with Teddy, and assumed that he would just play some video game and let me sleep. Instead, he looked at me, bent over and kissed me, more passionately than in the elevator, and it was then that I decided that I wasn't as tired as I thought after all.
After, he started playing his video game, and usually, I would just go to sleep, but I watched him play for awhile and we talked until I got tired and went to sleep, until he woke me up wanting more of my attention.
I hate leaving in the morning from his place. I do like that when I'm quietly getting dressed that I get to watch him sleep. Mostly, he's peaceful, sometimes, he snores. But he looks so inviting in the dark with just cracks of light coming through his cardboard make shift light blocking shade. On this morning, I didn't want to disturb him by gently kissing his forehead as I usually do, so instead, I just looked at him, smiled, hoped that when I opened his door that his roommates would be gone, and that the noise of me opening the doors, wouldn't wake him.
I got this overwhelming feeling this time, almost like I'm in LOVE with him? When I looked at him the other morning, I heard myself telling him, I love you, luckily it was just in my head. It's not a preposterous idea completely, but it doesn't make any sense! Why would I have feelings like this for him when he's told me time and time again that he wants to be single. This is the reason that I keep dating other guys in the first place. Yet, I keep coming back to him, where I feel safe. And at this particular moment, I'm smiling... Because of him...
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