Queen of First Dates

For Suzanne~

I've given myself the nickname "Queen of First Dates" because, well, quite simply, I don't always get a second one. And I don't always blame the guy, as you will read shortly, but sometimes, I just don't get a call back.

Online dating- I am on a few online dating sites- although I haven't checked them in forever. I have met some very interesting guys on these sites. Some of them have ended up as good friends, some have been stalking me, not in a harmful way, but in the way where someone calls you with *67, so it becomes a restricted #, and hangs up when you answer (this is why I don't answer from numbers that I don't know anymore).

My first example we shall call him "stalker A", honestly I don't remember his name anyway. Met online, chatted, emailed, talked on the phone, you know the usual drill. (Here comes the sarcasm) And he's just my type, lives at home with parents...(SHOCKER) So I drive out to the suburb of ,I think it was, Cary, IL to meet up with him at a bar (SHOCKER # 2) to play trivia. It was ok. He was nice, tall, and a regular enough at trivia that his friends were there, even though I don't think that we sat with them... We ate bar food, had a beer or two, played trivia... I wasn't interested (SHOCKER#3) and he walked me to my car and probably tried to kiss me... I know it sounds like a normal first date- just hold on a minute... I got lost leaving so I called him to ask for directional assistance- he then says, why don't you just come home to my house with me, my mom won't mind...Like his parents are waiting to meet me or something...CREEPY... I (Obviously) found my way back to civilization and when he called I told him that I didn't think more was going to happen, yet he kept calling, and calling...and I stopped answering....

Next example~ Let's call him "funny guy" because he was supposedly a comedian, and this was before I started taking comedy classes I think... Met online, yadda, yadda, yadda, lives in the city, NOT with parents, meet up for a drink at a bar in Lakeview. What happened to dinner people?... We had a decent conversation, both laughed...It was close to St. Patty's Day, and I wanted one of those CHI~RISH things that Miller lite has, if you live here you know what I mean... Oh and this was back when I smoked, so I'd go out and smoke a cigarette(because I was drinking people, with no food) and when I'm outside smoking on this outdoor patio with other smokers I'm going to talk to people. I'm social, what can I say? Besides, his friends were at the bar- it was his hangout, so it's not like he was sitting there by himself, right? Anywhoo, his friend, who reminds me of that actor who is currently in United States of Tara as Charmaine's baby daddy,  was talking to me while funny guy was chatting it up with more friends...I told him that I wanted one of those signs and I was going to go ask for one from the (Happened to be cute) bartender whom I had met outside smoking... Funny Guy left me at the bar, because he thought that I was flirting with the bartender... OK, I guess it didn't give the best first impression, point for funny guy, subtract point from me...Needless to say, no call back.

For those of you whom may have heard this one before, and I DID use this for the only time that I've done stand-up so far, because that's how bad this one went...
Let's call him "Broken Rib guy"...
Broken Rib guy and I actually met face to face via mutual admiration for occult bookstores...He is a Chaos magician, and a voodoo priest, and attuned me in REIKI...and hopefully not reading this now, since we are still friends on facebook... He doesn't live here right now, but comes for workshops and such at different times of the year. So we were keeping touch via im, email, what have you, and phone calls. THEN, he asked me to join him with friends while he was in town for dinner...sushi.... He actually picked me up (I'd known him for a year or so at this point) and we went to dinner with his friends. GREAT SUSHI (but I haven't been back since). Fun conversations about how they all went to Haiti together and got locked up in a Haitian jail, good times. Go back to the car and he kissed me. Now, let's back up for a minute... It had been MONTHS since someone had kissed me (Mom stop reading NOW, no, it's ok Mom, I shortened the story), so I was hard up, shall we say... But have you ever kissed someone that sticks out their tongue and doesn't move it? And also, doesn't close their mouth to seal the kiss? Kinda like how a toddler gives kisses but with tongue and he's a grown man? Keep reading, it gets worse... So he tells me that he is REALLY good at giving back-rubs and great with his hands and he would like to give me one. Who turns down back-rubs? So we go back to my place, and I recieve one of the worst back-rubs ever...But, I keep going, because now he is in my house, so let's see what could happen right? (Sense the desparation?) Start making out, which was more bad, open- mouthed, stagnant tongue kisses, and I need to say that he is a bigger guy, and I'm only saying that because it's true and necessary for this next part of the story... He goes to adjust his positioning by putting his hand on my left rib area and presses down and there is a loud CRACK, followed by pain. He says, "guess you won't be needing that".. And he is SUPPOSED to be a healer! Never even offered to heal my rib! Needless to say, haven't talked to him, and it's been 2 years almost... By the way, I called friends that are doctors to see if I should/could do anything about it since I have no health insurance and they don't even tape ribs up anymore, did you know that?
(Brief sidebar- I thought my computer had lost this whole thing, but it didn't, thankfully, but I may have lost the roll that I was on)
Those are 3 of not the best, first dates so who cares anyway? But I have had, what I thought, were great first dates and never heard from them again. Here's an example of a great first date...
Let's call him by his actual nickname- Oh yes, I give guys, or my friends give guys, nicknames.. There have been Motorcycle boy which turned into toothbrush boy~ turned into shithead, for good reason...That was one of my LTR's.. Other recent fun nicknames have included Vision boy (I had a weird vision when he kissed me), Halloween boy (Met at Halloween party), Foo (current secret crush), Big (Think Sex in the City)...

Back to Halloween Boy... We've known each other for years, met through mutual friends yet one of us was always involved when the other was free... FINALLY, both available and he asks me out. Great date, laughed almost the entire time except for this one thing that still gets me to this day... Halloween boy asks me, during dinner at a fabulous Argentine restaurant, if I was waiting for (he used real first name, I'm using nickname) "Big" to walk in the door? My heart stopped and I must have looked at him very confused, and asked, "I'm sorry what did you just say?" he repeated it two times and then made it look like he was talking about something completely different... I still find that strange...I took it as a sign of something, but not sure which way to go with that... Anyway, Halloween boy disappeared, and then reappeared the next month for another date, and then a 3rd date a month later, and was supposed to have a 4th date, but nope...

So Dear reader, This is why I'm not keen on dating... What ever happened to boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy asks girl out and asks her out again? Yes, I'm slightly old-fashioned when it comes to this.
MORE important- Dear female readers... Please STOP telling guys that they are good at something if they are NOT... You are not only hurting yourself, but other women that might get broken ribs, or bad back-rubs, or heaven only knows what else. I'm very careful to say to people when they ask me, for example, If I can sing? I say I have been told I have a good range, or I've gotten compliments...

OK, I think that ends day #2